I hope you all had a wonderful 4th of July. Mine wasn't one of my better days.
It started off ok. I had absolutely nothing on my schedule. And that's a fabulous way to begin a Saturday if you ask me. I was motivated to accomplish a lot of little things that I'd been putting off for some time. Which was odd. But now I see it as God's grace to me. He knew I'd need to have a semi-empty To-Do list to be able to deal with what was coming next.
This year I wasn't invited to a barbeque. But thankfully my friend Shannon was available to hang out and play games. I picked up a Wienerschnitzel and headed over to her new apartment for what promised to be a relaxing night. And it was. Until my mom called at 9pm. "Honey, are you at home?" "No, I'm at Shannon's. Why? Did you want to stop by?" "I have some bad news and I hate to tell you over the phone....but Beth committed suicide tonight."
WHAT!?
These are the things I know to be true about my aunt Beth. She's my dad's younger sister. When I was 7 years old I was a flower girl in her wedding. She married my red-headed uncle Joey who I had a crush on at the time. She has three children. Phil is 23, Jamie is 21 and Cady is 18. She is involved in her church and believes that Jesus died to pay the price for her sin so that she can spend eternity with Him. She is an animal lover. Last time I visited their home in Florida they housed 3 horses, 2 dogs and a turkey on their property. She is a nurse practitioner. When she enters a room, she lights it up. Her laugh is infectious. She has freckles. In the last year she's called me a couple times to try to set me up with a young man she raves about in Florida. I have a voicemail on my phone from when she called me on June 25th. She told me she was proud of me. That my grandparents were SO excited that I was planning a trip to see them this summer in Nebraska. That she might try to get out there as well. She asked me to call her back. And I never did. And now I can never return that call.
These are the things I did not know about my aunt Beth: She suffered from bi-polar disorder and depression. I guess she didn't want others to know. She tried different medications to manage it and the last one she was on caused some uncomfortable side effects. She was sleepy and groggy in the mornings so she lowered the dosage.
On July 4th she went to my grandparents' home to check on it since they are gone for the summer. She wrote a long letter addressing each of her children, her husband and her parents. She called my uncle Joey and said she loved him and the kids but she didn't want to live any longer. My uncle called the police right after Beth hung up on him. But by the time they got there it was too late. Beth had ended her life.
I've been sick to my stomach for a number of days and haven't been able to shed a single tear. It's all so surreal. Because of the things I knew to be true about my aunt Beth. Because she had every reason to live. Because I just can't comprehend how she could do this.
The only thing I can cling to and believe is that she was not in her right mind. That her mental illness overtook her and her choice was made based on a false reality. It's the only explanation that makes sense.
I'm in Florida. My parents are here, my grandparents are driving back from Nebraska and my sister will be here later this week. I'm at a loss for what to do but it feels right to be here.
As you can imagine, I will be putting blogging on hold indefinitely. I covet your prayers for my family at this time.
It started off ok. I had absolutely nothing on my schedule. And that's a fabulous way to begin a Saturday if you ask me. I was motivated to accomplish a lot of little things that I'd been putting off for some time. Which was odd. But now I see it as God's grace to me. He knew I'd need to have a semi-empty To-Do list to be able to deal with what was coming next.
This year I wasn't invited to a barbeque. But thankfully my friend Shannon was available to hang out and play games. I picked up a Wienerschnitzel and headed over to her new apartment for what promised to be a relaxing night. And it was. Until my mom called at 9pm. "Honey, are you at home?" "No, I'm at Shannon's. Why? Did you want to stop by?" "I have some bad news and I hate to tell you over the phone....but Beth committed suicide tonight."
WHAT!?
These are the things I know to be true about my aunt Beth. She's my dad's younger sister. When I was 7 years old I was a flower girl in her wedding. She married my red-headed uncle Joey who I had a crush on at the time. She has three children. Phil is 23, Jamie is 21 and Cady is 18. She is involved in her church and believes that Jesus died to pay the price for her sin so that she can spend eternity with Him. She is an animal lover. Last time I visited their home in Florida they housed 3 horses, 2 dogs and a turkey on their property. She is a nurse practitioner. When she enters a room, she lights it up. Her laugh is infectious. She has freckles. In the last year she's called me a couple times to try to set me up with a young man she raves about in Florida. I have a voicemail on my phone from when she called me on June 25th. She told me she was proud of me. That my grandparents were SO excited that I was planning a trip to see them this summer in Nebraska. That she might try to get out there as well. She asked me to call her back. And I never did. And now I can never return that call.
These are the things I did not know about my aunt Beth: She suffered from bi-polar disorder and depression. I guess she didn't want others to know. She tried different medications to manage it and the last one she was on caused some uncomfortable side effects. She was sleepy and groggy in the mornings so she lowered the dosage.
On July 4th she went to my grandparents' home to check on it since they are gone for the summer. She wrote a long letter addressing each of her children, her husband and her parents. She called my uncle Joey and said she loved him and the kids but she didn't want to live any longer. My uncle called the police right after Beth hung up on him. But by the time they got there it was too late. Beth had ended her life.
I've been sick to my stomach for a number of days and haven't been able to shed a single tear. It's all so surreal. Because of the things I knew to be true about my aunt Beth. Because she had every reason to live. Because I just can't comprehend how she could do this.
The only thing I can cling to and believe is that she was not in her right mind. That her mental illness overtook her and her choice was made based on a false reality. It's the only explanation that makes sense.
I'm in Florida. My parents are here, my grandparents are driving back from Nebraska and my sister will be here later this week. I'm at a loss for what to do but it feels right to be here.
As you can imagine, I will be putting blogging on hold indefinitely. I covet your prayers for my family at this time.
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